Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Modest Proposal for Voting (A Satire)

Yosemite Sam and I were talking while getting ready for work this morning. You know how those conversations go—one can solve the problems of the world in five minutes. Well, from this one, we came up with this modest proposal on how we vote. So, I present to you, with tongue firmly in cheek, a Modest Proposal for Voting.

My dear sirs and madams, I put before you today a proposal that will improve how Americans vote. It will increase a sense of civic responsibility; test the capabilities of every adult American; ensure only serious voters come to the polls; and, increase the number of marksmen this country can rely upon in case of foreign invasion or domestic unrest.

This latter point is as important as any of them. America is a “Nation of Riflemen” founded upon the concept of the Minute Man; ready to defend our nation instantly. We, as a nation, have secured and protected our liberty, our freedom, our rights with guns.

Our nation has fallen from our high ideals. We have rightfully enfranchised many more citizens than the Founding Fathers did. However, we have not instilled a sense of citizenship and civic pride among too many voters.

There is one way to correct this; one way to ensure that only responsible and civic-minded Americans can vote. This way, you ask, each voter must come armed to the polls with an accurate .22 handgun that they have taken the time to use accurately. A gun that proves they have accepted their civic duty to be a gun owner.

That handgun, be it a humble revolver, a semi-auto, or a dedicated target pistol will be used to mark ballots. Yes my friends. We will vote in those who would lead us with a bullet. To make it a challenge, ballots will be placed at twenty-five yards.

I grant you that there will be problems, but all are surmountable. Ballots will need to be larger and polling places will need adequate backstops and ventilation. The aged among us will be at a disadvantage. However, this can be corrected—with each ten years of age, past that of 30, the ballots will be moved three feet closer to the voter to correct for aging eyes (although no closer than one yard).

What about the sincerely handicapped; the palsied, the blind, those without hands you ask? They will not be disenfranchised. A poll worker/range officer will shoot according to their instructions with a poll judge certifying results. All others must mark, or rather hole, their ballots.

I conclude with a sample ballot and a reminder that we are a nation of gunowners. Let us accept this and celebrate our rights at each election.

Like I said, this is all tongue in cheek and the result of early morning conversation.

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